I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
