My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize