Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
