You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
