my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
