I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
