He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
