Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
