Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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