This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize