I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
