I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize