I'm jealous of your bromance
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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