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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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