I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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