Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
