those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
there's paper in my vomit.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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