my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
it glows. i had to have it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
