so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
