For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
