the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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