This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
