from now on my penis is your penis
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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