weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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