The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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