btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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