from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
