Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
