There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
