mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
