We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
