I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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