I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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