I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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