How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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