I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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