i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
