I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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