Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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