I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
