that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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