So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
