Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
