I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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