Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize