Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize