I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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