Princesses don't give blow jobs
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
