Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
