At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
