dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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