In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
