I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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