I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize