Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
