I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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