Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
