Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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