i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
