I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Randomize
