dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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