i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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