I wanna bring you to show and tell
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
