haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Randomize
