She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
